R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
