So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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