Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
