Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
