I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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