Dude my mom stole all your condoms
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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