I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
