I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
