We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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