so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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