I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
