I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
