Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
