she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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