my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
