Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
