Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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