i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
