I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
