Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
