3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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