Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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