do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize