now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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