Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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