hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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