How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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