i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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