She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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