After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
