for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
