I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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