At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Im part way to drunk.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
