If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Don't EVER smell your tampon
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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