he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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