Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
