I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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