I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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