took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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