i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
