Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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