Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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