need another drink. this is the easiest way
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
