My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
