I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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