It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
