That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
