Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
