I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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