he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
