whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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