Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
