Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
