ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's official drugs can't kill me
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
