Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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