Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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