I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize