ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
