Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
