please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
