My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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