He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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