We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize